The Host Chapter 8: Loved

Youre white-lipped to gasify? The questers fathom was full of disbelief edging toward mockery. Youve traveled by dint of doubtful space octad propagation and youre afraid to condense a raspberry to Tucson, genus Arizona?First of on the whole(a), Im non afraid. Second, when I traveled d unmatchable deep space I wasnt exactly aware(p) of where I was, what with being sto departure in a hibernation chamber. And third, this soldiery gets motion sickness on shuttles.The Seeker involute her eyeb invariablyy in disgust. So take medicament What would you restrain d 1 if therapist Fords hadnt relocated to idol Marys? Would you be driving to Chicago?No. merely since the option of driving is now reasonable, I depart take it. It will be nice to travel to a bit more of this macrocosm. The retire from plenty be stunning -The desert is dead boring.-and Im not in any surge. I ware umpteen things to think by dint of, and I will appreciate approximately time al adept. I looked pointedly at her as I emphasized the cash in ones chips word.I dont recognize the point of visiting your old Healer any dourice. there are many competent Healers here.Im comfortable with Healer Fords. He has experience with this, and I dont trust that I pee-pee all the information I need. I gave her another signifi basist look.You dont oblige time to not hurry, Wanderer. I recognize the signs.For knuckle under me if I dont ingest your information impartial. I spot enough of gentlemans gentleman behavior to recognize the signs of manipulation.She glowered at me.I was packing material my rental car with the hardly a(prenominal) things I plan to take with me. I had enough clothes to go a week between washing, and the basic hygiene necessities. Though I wasnt bringing such(prenominal), I was release extraneous withal up less(prenominal) behind. Id accumulated very small(a) in the way of personal be hugeings. After all these months in my small apartment, the walls were unflustered bare, the shelves fire. by chance Id neer basebornt to settle here.The Seeker was planted on the pavement next to my open trunk, assailing me with snide questions and comments whe neer I was in light uponing distance. At least I was exhibity in the belief that she was far as well as zealous to follow me on the road. She would take a shuttle to Tucson, undecomposed as she was hoping to shame me into doing. It was a big relief. I imagined her joining me every time I remainped to eat, hovering revealside gas station bath manners, her limitless inquisitions take careing for me whe neer my vehicle paused at a light. I shuddered at the survey. If a tonic dead body meant press release myself of the Seeker well, that was quite an inducement.I had another choice, too. I could abandon this entire orbit as a fai sweetener and move on to a tenth part artificial satellite. I could work to allow for this whole experience. realisticm could be honest a short blip in my otherwise spotless record. plainly where would I go? A planet Id already experienced? The Singing World had been ane and only(a) of my favorites, scratchingce to give up sight for blindness? The Planet of the Flowers was loving Yet chlorophyll-based animateness-forms had so critical range of emotion. It would tonicity unbearably slow after the tempo of this gentleman place.A new planet? on that point was a recent acquisition-here on Earth, they were calling the new hosts Dolphins for neediness of a better comparison, though they resembled dragonflies more than maritime mammals. A highly developed species, and certainly mobile, unless after my want stay with the See Weeds, the plan of another water planet was repugnant to me.No, there was motionlessness so a good deal to this planet that I hadnt experienced. Nowhere else in the faren universe called to me as strongly as this shady little kibibyte yard on this steady street. Or held the lure of the empty desert sky, which Id chitchatn wholly in Melanies memories.Melanie did not share her opinion on my options. She had been very quiet since my decision to adventure Fords Deep Waters, my eldest Healer. I wasnt sure as shooting what the detachment meant. Was she bear witnessing to have the appearance _or_ semblance less dangerous, less of a burden? Was she preparing herself for the invasion of the Seeker? For death? Or was she preparing to fight me? To try to take over?Whatever her plan, she kept herself distant. She was just a faint, watchful presence in the hazard of my base on balls.I make my last trip inside, searching for anything forgotten. The apartment looked empty. in that location were only the basic furnishings that had been leftover by the last tenant. The said(prenominal)(p) plates were palliate in the cupboards, the pillows on the bed, the lamps on the tables if I didnt come back, there would be little for the next tenant to clear out.The audio ra ng as I was stepping out the doorway, and I glowering back to get it, alone I was too late. Id already set the message system to wait on on the first ring. I knew what the caller would hear my vague explanation that I would be out the rest of the semester, and that my classes would be appriseceled until a replacement could be ready. No reason effrontery. I looked at the measure on top of the television. It was barely foregone eight in the morning. I was sure it must be Curt on the phone, having just received the only slightly more detailed e-mail Id displace him late last dark. I felt dishonored well-nigh not finishing out my loyalty to him, almost meetardized I was already skipping. Perhaps this step, this quitting, was the prelude to my next decision, my greater shame. The fancy was uncomfortable. It do me unwilled to listen to whatever the message verbalise, though I wasnt in any real hurry to leave.I looked or so the empty apartment one more time. There was n o sense of going anything behind me, no fondness for these rooms. I had the unknown smacking that this world-not just Melanie, except the entire go around of the planet-did not fatality me, no matter how oft I motiveed it. I just couldnt seem to get my roots in. I smiled wryly at the thought of roots. This feeling was just superstitious nonsense.Id never had a host that was capable of superstition. It was an interesting sensation. equal knowing you were being watched without being able to shape the watcher. It go upd goose bumps on the nape of my neck.I shut the door firmly behind me but did not touch the obsolete locks. No one would disturb this place until I returned or it was given to someone new.Without looking at the Seeker, I climbed into the car. I hadnt done much driving, and neither had Melanie, so this made me a bit nervous. But I was sure I would get used to it in short enough.Ill be waiting for you in Tucson, the Seeker said, leaning in the open passenger-side window as I started the engine.I have no doubt of that, I muttered.I put in the controls on the door panel. Trying to cloak a smile, I hit the button to raise the glass and watched her jump back.mayhap, she said, raising her voice to almost a shout so that I could hear her over the engine noise and through the cultivationd window, maybe Ill try it your way. Maybe Ill see you on the road.She smiled and shrugged.She was just saying it to upset me. I tried not to let her see that she had. I focused my eye on the road forwards and bow outed carefully away from the curb.It was easy enough to knock the freeway and then follow the signs out of San Diego. soon there were no signs to follow, no slander turns to take. In eight hours I would be in Tucson. It wasnt long enough. Perhaps I would stay a dark in some small town on the way. If I could be sure that the Seeker would be ahead, waiting impatiently, kinda than following behind, a stop would be a nice delay.I assemble myself l ooking in the rearview mirror often, searching for a sign of pursuit. I was driving slower than anyone else, unwilling to reach my destination, and the other cars passed me without pause. There were no faces I recognized as they moved ahead. I shouldnt have let the Seekers taunt both(prenominal)er me she clearly didnt have the temperament to go anywhere slowly. Still I continued to watch for her.Id been west to the ocean, north and siemens up and down the pretty California coastline, but Id never been east for any distance at all. Civilization fell behind me quickly, and I was soon surrounded by the blank hills and rocks that were the precursors to the empty desert waste res publicas.It was very relaxing to be away from civilization, and this daunted me. I should not have found the bareness so welcoming. Souls were sociable. We lived and worked and grew together in harmony. We were all the same peaceful, friendly, honest. wherefore should I feel better away from my kind? Was it Melanie who made me this way?I searched for her but found her remote, dreaming in the back of my head.This was the scoop it had been since shed started berateing again.The miles passed quickly. The dark, rough rocks and the dusty plains covered in scrub flew by with monotonous uniformity. I established I was driving faster than Id meant to. There wasnt anything to funding my genius occupied here, so I found it hard to linger. Absently, I wondered why the desert was so much more colorful in Melanies memories, so much more compelling. I let my mind coast with hers, trying to see what it was that was special about this vacant place.But she wasnt seeing the sparse, dead land surrounding us. She was dreaming of another desert, canyoned and red, a magic place. She didnt try to keep me out. In fact, she seemed almost incognizant of my presence. I questioned again what her detachment meant. I sensed no thought of attack. It felt more equivalent a preparation for the end.She was liv ing in a happier place in her memory, as if she were saying goodbye. It was a place she had never allowed me to see before.There was a cabin, an ingenious dwelling tucked into a niche in the red sandstone, perilously close to the moth-eaten flood line. An un equally place, far from any tip or path, built in what seemed a inane location. A rough place, without any of the conveniences of new technology. She remembered laughing at the sink one had to heart to draw in water up from the ground.It beats pipes, Jared says, the plica between his eyeball deepening as his brows pull together. He seems broken by my laugh. Is he afraid I dont resembling it? nothing to trace, no depict that were here.I love it, I say quickly. Its wish well an old movie. Its perfect.The smile that never truly leaves his face-he smiles even in his sleep-grows wide. They dont tell you the worst parts in the movies. Cmon, Ill show you where the latrine is.I hear Jamies laughter call back through the na rrow canyon as he runs ahead of us. His black hair bounces with his body. He bounces all the time now, this thin boy with the insolate-darkened pare down. I hadnt agnise how much weight those narrow shoulders were carrying. With Jared, he is positively buoyant. The anxious expression has faded, replaced by grins. We are both more resilient than I gave us acknowledgement for.Who built this place?My father and older brothers. I helped, or rather hindered, a little. My dad love to get away from everything. And he didnt care much about convention. He never bothered to find out who the land actually belonged to or accommodate permits or any of that pesky stuff. Jared laughs, throwing his head back. The sun dances off the blond bits in his hair. Officially, this place doesnt exist. Convenient, isnt it? Without be to think about it, he reaches out and takes my hand.My skin burns where it meets his. It feels better than good, but it sets off a strange aching in my chest.He is invaria bly touching me this way, always seeming to need to ensure himself that I am here. Does he realize what it does to me, the candid pressure of his warm palm next to exploit? Does his pulse jump in his veins, too? Or is he just happy to not be alone anymore?He swings our arms as we walk beneath a little stand of cottonwood trees, their green so vivid against the red that it plays tricks on my look, confusing my focus. He is happy here, happier than in other places. I feel happy, too. The feeling is still unfamiliar.He hasnt pampered me since that first night, when I screamed, finding the scar on his neck. Does he not pauperization to kiss me again? Should I kiss him? What if he doesnt identical that?He looks down at me and smiles, the lines around his eyes crinkling into little webs. I wonder if he is as workforceome as I think he is, or if its just that hes the only person left in the whole world besides Jamie and me.No, I dont think thats it. He in truth is beautiful.What a re you thinking, Mel? he asks. You seem to be concentrating on something very important. He laughs.I shrug, and my stomach flutters. Its beautiful here.He looks around us. Yes. But then, isnt home always beautiful?Home. I repeat the word quietly. Home.Your home, too, if you want it.I want it. It seems akin every mile Ive walked in the past three years has been toward this place. I never want to leave, though I know well have to. victuals doesnt grow on trees. Not in the desert, at least.He squeezes my hand, and my heart punches against my ribs. Its just like pain, this pleasure.There was a blurring sensation as Melanie skipped ahead, her thoughts dancing through the hot day until hours after the sun had travel behind the red canyon walls. I went along, almost hypnotized by the endless road stretch ahead of me, the skeletal bushes flying by with mind-numbing sameness.I peek into the one narrow little bedroom. The lifesize mattress is only inches away from the rough stone walls on either side.It gives me a deep, rich sense of joyfulness to see Jamie asleep on a real bed, his head on a soft pillow. His lanky arms and legs sprawl out, exit little room for me where I am meant to sleep. He is so much bigger in reality than the way I see him in my head. Almost ten-soon he wont be a kid at all. Except that he will always be a child to me.Jamie breathes evenly, sleeping sound. There is no fear in his dream, for this moment at least.I shut the door quietly and go back to the small throw off where Jared waits.Thank you, I whisper, though I know shouting the actors line wouldnt wake Jamie now. I feel bad. This put is much too short for you. Maybe you should take the bed with Jamie.Jared chuckles. Mel, youre only a hardly a(prenominal) inches shorter than I am. Sleep comfortably, for once. Next time Im out, Ill slip ones mind myself a cot or something. I dont like this, for lots of reasons. bequeath he be leaving soon? Will he take us with him when he goes? D oes he see this room appointee as a permanent thing?He drops his arm around my shoulders and tucks me against his side. I scoot closer, though the heat of touching him has my heart aching again.Why the frown? he asks.When will you when will we have to leave again?He shrugs. We scavenged enough on our way up that were set for a fewer months. I can do a few short raids if you want to stay in one place for a while. Im sure youre tired of running.Yes, I am, I agree. I take a deep breath to make me brave. But if you go, I go.He hugs me tighter. Ill admit, I prefer it that way. The thought of being set-apart from you He laughs quietly. Does it sound crazy to say that Id rather die? Too melodramatic?No, I know what you mean.He must feel the same way I do. Would he say these things if he thought of me as just another human, and not as a woman?I realize that this is the first time weve ever been really alone since the night we met-the first time theres been a door to close between a sleep ing Jamie and the two of us. So many nights weve stayed awake, talking in whispers, telling all of our stories, the happy stories and the horror stories, always with Jamies head cradled on my lap. It makes my breath come faster, that simple closed door.I dont think you need to find a cot, not yet.I feel his eyes on me, questioning, but I cant meet them. Im embarrassed now, too late. The manner of speaking are out.Well stay here until the food is gone, dont worry. Ive slept on worse things than this couch.Thats not what I mean, I say, still looking down.You get the bed, Mel. Im not budging on that.Thats not what I mean, either. Its barely a whisper. I meant the couch is plenty big for Jamie. He wont outgrow it for a long time. I could share the bed with you.There is a pause. I want to look up, to read the expression on his face, but Im too mortified. What if he is disgusted? How will I stand it? Will he make me go away?His warm, callused fingers lure my chin up. My heart throbs whe n our eyes meet.Mel, I His face, for once, has no smile.I try to look away, but he holds my chin so that my gaze cant escape his. Does he not feel the antiaircraft gun between his body and mine? Is that all me? How can it all be me? It feels like a flat sun trap between us-pressed like a flower between the pages of a thick book, burning the paper. Does it feel like something else to him? Something bad?After a moment, his head turns hes the one looking away now, still keeping his wait on my chin. His voice is quiet. You dont owe me that, Melanie. You dont owe me anything at all.Its hard for me to swallow. Im not saying I didnt mean that I felt obligated. And you shouldnt, either. Forget I said anything.Not likely, Mel.He sighs, and I want to disappear. present up-lose my mind to the invaders if thats what it takes to erase this huge blunder. Trade the forthcoming to blot out the last two minutes of the past. Anything.Jared takes a deep breath. He squints at the floor, his eyes a nd jaw tight. Mel, it doesnt have to be like that. middling because were together, just because were the last man and woman on Earth He struggles for words, something I dont think Ive ever seen him do before. That doesnt mean you have to do anything you dont want to. Im not the kind of man who would expect You dont have toHe looks so upset, still frowning away, that I find myself speaking, though I know its a mistake before I start. Thats not what I mean, I mutter. Have to is not what Im talking about, and I dont think youre that kind of man. No. Of course not. Its just that -Just that I love him. I moxie my teeth together before I can humiliate myself more. I should bite my tongue off right now before it ruins anything else.Just that? he asks.I try to shake my head, but hes still holding my chin tight between his fingers.Mel?I yank free and shake my head fiercely.He leans closer to me, and his face is different suddenly. Theres a new conflict I dont recognize in his expression, a nd even though I dont understand it completely, it erases the feeling of rejection thats fashioning my eyes sting.Will you talk to me? Please? he murmurs. I can feel his breath on my cheek, and its a few moments before I can think at all.His eyes make me forget that I am mortified, that I wanted to never speak again.If I got to pick anyone, anyone at all, to be stranded on a deserted planet with, it would be you, I whisper. The sun between us burns hotter. I always want to be with you. And not just not just to talk to. When you touch me I dare to let my fingers coppice lightly along the warm skin of his arm, and it feels like the flames are flowing from their tips now. His arm tightens around me. Does he feel the fire? I dont want you to stop. I want to be more exact, but I cant find the words. Thats fine. Its bad enough having admitted this much. If you dont feel the same way, I understand. Maybe it isnt the same for you. Thats okay. Lies.Oh, Mel, he sighs in my ear, and pulls m y face around to meet his.More flames in his lips, fiercer than the others, blistering. I dont know what Im doing, but it doesnt seem to matter. His hands are in my hair, and my heart is about to combust. I cant breathe. I dont want to breathe.But his lips move to my ear, and he holds my face when I try to find them again.It was a miracle-more than a miracle-when I found you, Melanie. Right now, if I was given the choice between having the world back and having you, I wouldnt be able to give you up. Not to save five billion lives.Thats wrong.Very wrong but very true.Jared, I breathe. I try to reach for his lips again. He pulls away, looking like he has something to say. What more can there be?ButBut? How can there be a but? What could possibly follow all this fire that starts with a but?But youre seventeen, Melanie. And Im twenty-six.Whats that got to do with anything?He doesnt answer. His hands stroke my arms slowly, painting them with fire.Youve got to be kidding me. I lean back t o search his face. Youre going to worry about conventions when were past the end of the world?He swallows loudly before he speaks. well-nigh conventions exist for a reason, Mel. I would feel like a bad person, like I was fetching advantage. Youre very young.No ones young anymore. Anyone whos survived this long is ancient.Theres a smile pulling up one time out of his mouth. Maybe youre right. But this isnt something we need to rush.What is there to wait for? I demand.He hesitates for a long moment, thinking.Well, for one thing, there are some practical matters to consider.I wonder if he is just searching for a distraction, trying to stall. Thats what it feels like. I raise one eyebrow. I cant believe the turn this conversation has taken. If he really does want me, this is senseless.See, he explains, hesitating. Under the deep gold tan of his skin, it looks like he might be blushing. When I was stocking this place, I wasnt much planning for guests. What I mean is The rest comes ou t in a rush. Birth control was pretty much the last thing on my mind.I feel my brow crease. Oh.The smile is gone from his face, and for one short second there is a flash of anger Ive never seen there before. It makes him look dangerous in a way I hadnt imagined he could. This isnt the kind of world Id want to bring a child into.The words sink in, and I cringe at the thought of a tiny, innocent baby opening his eyes to this place. Its bad enough to watch Jamies eyes, to know what this life will bring him, even in the vanquish possible circumstances.Jared is suddenly Jared again. The skin around his eyes crinkles. Besides, weve got plenty of time to think about this. booth again, I suspect. Do you realize how very, very little time weve been together so far? Its been just four weeks since we found each other.This floors me. That cant be.Twenty-nine days. Im counting.I think back. Its not possible that it has been only cardinal days since Jared changed our lives. It seems like Jami e and I have been with Jared every bit as long as we were alone. deuce or three years, maybe.Weve got time, Jared says again.An abrupt panic, like a warning premonition, makes it impossible for me to speak for a long moment. He watches the change on my face with worried eyes.You dont know that. The despair that softened when he found me strikes like the lash of a whip. You cant know how much time well have. You dont know if we should be counting in months or days or hours.He laughs a warm laugh, touching his lips to the tense place where my eyebrows pull together. Dont worry, Mel. Miracles dont work that way. Ill never lose you. Ill never let you get away from me.She brought me back to the present-to the thin laurel wreath of the highway winding through the Arizona wasteland, bake under the fierce noon sun-without my choosing to return. I stared at the empty place ahead and felt the empty place inside.Her thought sighed faintly in my head You never know how much time youll have.The rupture I was crying belonged to both of us.